Monday, 19 December 2011

No Heartbeat......

Our ten week scan didn't come on Friday as anticipated...On Saturday I received an email from Dr. S telling me that she needs to talk to me. Well, as everyone knows, anytime a woman tells you that you need to talk, it is never good news....the problem was that i was a few hours away from home and gene wasn't with me...so i drove back home to try to get in touch with dr s..by this time it was saturday night, usa time...to make a long story short, due to the clinic being closed on sunday and the time zone difference it was monday morning before we got the "call of doom"....in a nutshell...no heartbeat...confirmed by radiologist...surrogate is asymptomatic and will require a D & C.....and we are yet again, babyless....I've cried, cussed and eaten all of the ice cream in the house; yet I still don't feel any better...i guess, shopping is the next negative coping mechanism on the agenda...I know there are people that have had babies after one attempt; some after 7 attempts..others just give up....I don't know how long it will take us, but we will be two of those people that have babies. I'm just ready for our ship to come in....it's been a weary journey....I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just a mirage....I can still see the light...I just have to make it through the fog first....Don't worry, I will pick myself up and we will continue on our babyquest....I'm just having a pity party today...as Scarlett O'Hara said, "tomorrow is another day". Like I told my kids when they were bummed out about moving; when one door closes another door opens...BUT, between you and me, why does it have to slam so dang hard?
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20 comments:

  1. Anonymous19 December 2011 at 13:32

    OMG!!! oh Rene, i dont even know what to say because no matter what i say, its not going to make you feel better.i am very sorry but please know that it will happen and only God knows the reason why we are faced with some situations. I am so sorry. HUGS

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  2. Mandy19 December 2011 at 13:43

    Oh no!! i was just so teary reading this because i can't believe this happened...tears are all over the world right now reading this story and i pray that comfort finds you and your hubby...hugs from Jersey :(

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  3. Meanderings of an Addled Mind19 December 2011 at 14:57

    So sorry for your loss, exactly the same time we had ours, my heart goes out to you. I completely relate to the mirage. I am glad you know you can move forward, it helps to know you don't have to give up, and that the journey continues, still hard as hell though. Thinking of the both of you.

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  4. About Bernadette & Duane19 December 2011 at 16:44

    Dear Rene, I am sending huge hugs. I know the anger and sadness that accompanies this news all too well. Sending you strength to heal and move forward. You are in my thoughts. Bernadette xoxoxo

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  5. Annette and Mark19 December 2011 at 16:48

    I am so sorry Rene, sending you both healing thoughts and hugs and pray that next time is your time.

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  6. FG19 December 2011 at 16:48

    I am so sorry Rene. I wish I could make the pain go away but I love your determination to follow your path. Thinking of you both.

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  7. CocoaMasala19 December 2011 at 17:15

    Rene I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers Sweetie...

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  8. SuzieBen19 December 2011 at 17:34

    Rene I am so sorry. So upsetting reading your post. My heart goes out to you. We are thinking of you and send you love and hugs xx

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  9. Doug and Bill20 December 2011 at 00:27

    Oh just so extremely sorry for this. But I like your statement that you will have a baby or babies. There is something about positive imagery and reinforcement that I firmly believe in. I know it worked for me. Grieve, eat ice cream (my suggestion is peanut butter cup by ben and jerry's) and then gather up your confidence and move forward. It'll happen. NO DOUBT. Take care of yourselves.

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  10. Saskia20 December 2011 at 01:37

    Sending you a massive virtual hug. This rollercoaster of a journey is relentless, with the highs sometimes comes MASSIVE lows. I'm truely sorry for your loss and words just aren't enough comfort for you at this time.
    Gather your strength and continue on. xxxx

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  11. rossy20 December 2011 at 04:40

    Life,especially for us can be such a horrible roller coaster ride.I am so sorry for your loss.You seem like someone who has great support from your family and know that we,in blogland are here for you too and will cheer you on as you continue your journey.Right now is the time for lots of hugs,ice cream and junk food.Next year,will be your year!!

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  12. Kerrie and Mark20 December 2011 at 13:40

    I am just so sorry to read this awful news. You know your surro community are all right there with you. We cannot take away your pain, but we can hug you from afar.

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  13. SKhan20 December 2011 at 17:28

    Oh no, I am so bummed to hear this news. What a roller coaster this past two months have been for you two. Lee and I are thinking of you guys and hoping next time will be successful for you!

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  14. lucylu20 December 2011 at 22:56

    So sad to hear this Rene. It's not fair!!! I'm so sorry hon. Maybe 2012 is our year!!!! I can understand the tears and anger, it just sucks!!! There is no rhyme or reason it's just luck of the draw. Hope we can chat over next couple of days, I'm back home until Xmas. Love ya babe xx

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  15. Allie22 December 2011 at 23:51

    I am so very sad to hear about your loss. This time of year is supposed to be such a happy time of celebration and it's hard to get thru everything when your heart is breaking. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!

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  16. Anonymous23 December 2011 at 07:12

    Dear Rene,

    We are so incredibly sorry for your loss...you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. This journey is certainly heart-wrenching, and we are sorry for the pain you and all IPs have experienced along the way. When we lost our baby last year at 7 1/2 weeks, our entire year was ruined. We also understand picking up and trying again. Hope 2012 is your year! God bless you and yours; may He bring you some sort of comfort, peace, and healing.

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  17. B and SJ27 December 2011 at 02:39

    So sorry for your news. Take care and keep your strength and determination-it will work.Thinking of you at this difficult time. SJ & B xx

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  18. Ale1 January 2012 at 22:38

    Rene, I am so sorry and glad to hear that you are sure that you will be the ones that will have baby. The most important is to know the final, and that is to have babies. All the rest can be a longer way, harder, but at the for sure you know that you will get there.

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  19. Tandoori Viking19 January 2012 at 05:02

    So very sorry... <3

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  20. Ramya28 January 2012 at 09:05

    Rene,
    I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope and pray God gives you enough strength and confidence to gather yourselves and start again. Myself and my husband have had 2 failed surrogacy attempts in 2011 and we are hoping the next cycle will be the one for us this year. I bumped into your blog when I was researching about getting acupuncture treatment for improving egg quality.
    Once again, sorry and I am glad you have moved on and are determined to fulfill your quest of having a baby. My best wishes to you!

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