Mumbai Beginnings: 2ww....take 3....

Monday, 11 June 2012

2ww....take 3....

After 3 tries you think it would get easier the more you do it...but, thats not so...you would think a negative wouldn't hurt as bad...but thats not true....you would think that you would just throw in the towel and remain baby free...but thats not true...at least not for us...that is not an option...instead of being nervous and hopeful this time...I'm somewhat sad and detached...of course, having the donor embryos helps...I still look for closure for my last self cycle...you would think it wouldn't hurt...I have two healthy children...tons of donor embryos...a good husband...so you would think I wouldn't let another negative get me down...you would think I would be happy for what I do have..and don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my family and my life...I just can't help but grieve the loss of my last chance for a biological child.....it's funny how your emotions and mind works...I always thought, hey if it doesn't work with my eggs we will go with a donor,....but I just didn't realize how hard that would be...I just continue to prepare myself for another negative...I can't help it and wish I didn't feel that way...but I want this blog to be as honest as possible...I'm 39...I'm low on eggs and youth....I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade...especially my husbands...it is his time to be excited and hopeful and look toward the future...he has waited a long time to have children... I'm ready to look toward the future too...first, I have to quit worrying about what people think and concentrate on our future and our happiness...I have to stop feeling like a quitter and a failure and realize that we have made the best decision that we could given the circumstances...I know once we are holding that sweet baby in our arms it won't matter whose little dinky piece of dna got it here.....the only thing that matters is that it will be our baby and that no one can ever take it away...we will be a family...

On a positive note...an update on our cycle...5 eggs with 4 fertilized from self cycle...24 eggs with 22 fertilized from donor cycle...wow...that's a lot of potential babies....mine were put in within 24 hours...the donor after 3 days...but, you know what they say...the proof is in the pudding, lol....or in the beta HCG....

I also think I need to quit calling them donor embryos...they are not donor embryos...they are our embryos...nobody elses...and they are our future...and I love them already....theres a little saying I stole from facebook...would like to share it with you guys...thought it was appropriate in this situation...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO STOP WORRYING AND DOUBTING...HAVE FAITH THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT, MAYBE NOT HOW YOU PLANNED, BUT JUST HOW THEY ARE MEANT TO BE.....

amen.....

24 comments:

Shakti Rose11 June 2012 at 22:47
What a beautiful post. It's hard to stop worrying. I believe you did the right thing adding in a donor. It's natural to call them "donor eggs" for now, I think you're differentiating but you could come up with another way to differentiate like by nicknames? All our eggs are donated but they've always been OURs even when they were still with the donors body as I switched my brain last year with the POF diagnosis. DNA can't matter to me, and in time I'm sure it won't matter to you but its ok if it does for now, we need to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of something fully (you may not have to so its confusing saying that)... doesn't get easier at all, and after all this past loss you're going to be doubtful. But try and believe that whatever happens you'll be ok, with all of us understanding how you feel. I'm praying to mother universe that it works this time for one of your lovely embryos!
:) x
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Doug and Bill12 June 2012 at 01:36
I am in love with the last paragraph. That is SO our journey to have a child. Good luck we are all rooting from all those embies!
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Tom12 June 2012 at 05:08
One thing for sure is that if you don't try it won't happen. Hoping very much that your amazing perseverance pays off this time.
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Jason and Adrián12 June 2012 at 05:08
Doug beat me to my comment: we're all rooting for you. And I've met you -- eggs may be running out... youth you have in abundance (and I say this from the vantage point of eight years older).
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SKhan12 June 2012 at 05:30
I agree with Doug the last paragraph is awesome! You had great results with both your self cycle and donor cycle. Hoping for two strong positives for Gene and you. It makes perfect sense that you are protecting yourself and trying hard not to get too excited in fear of more disappointment. Hoping your third TWW goes by quickly!
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Brent and Charlie12 June 2012 at 10:13
26 embryos total - that's huge! Congrats! Good luck on this third try. We've got our fingers crossed for you.
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Anonymous12 June 2012 at 15:39
Life is what it is, joy, anger, pain, peace. I think that every emotion we experience is necessary and every thought is part of the process leading to understanding and ultimately acceptance - eventually.
Hoping this time is your time.
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AD13 June 2012 at 08:13
Dear Renee, please do not be sad, you will get your positive. Your a wonderful person and deserve happiness this time round. Anyway what a fab start.
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lucylu13 June 2012 at 17:11
Ok first of all I'm not gonna say I'm rooting for you as girl you know that means something totally different in Australia! LOL!
Honey you are a beautiful person, it is normal to grieve when the reality of life slaps us clean across the face. Reality is gonna slap us all at one stage and most of us get several slaps through out our life.
We are not meant to be happy all the time and sometimes we struggle but at the end of the day stop beating yourself up, you have done all you possibly can in the self cycle world. Give yourself a huge hug and smile because you have been very courageous and you are standing up and being proactive to get what you want........a baby!
You could have just given up but no you have stood up and tried again AND increased your chances by keeping both doors open! I admire you so much, you need to admire yourself!
Distract yourself with something else as often as you can during the 2ww. With all these eggs your gonna have a baby no matter what! xxxxxxx
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Mumbai Beginnings13 June 2012 at 22:37
Thanks lucylu!! OMG I so forgot about the Australian "rooting" definition!! Thanks for the kind words...but I tell you...holding both doors open is HEAVY!!! But, keep your eyes on the prize, right???? You're right...I must distract myself...ok..botox, spa, pedi, massage, weight loss clinic....hmmm....now that I've retired my eggs I can officially start taking care of me!! Hey, you have to find a silver lining, right?
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lucylu14 June 2012 at 00:31
HEAVY indeed!!! Wish I was there to give you a hug and share a few drinks! Ill skype u tomorrow xxx
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lisalu14 June 2012 at 15:07
Well sending lots of positive thoughts your way and have everything crossed it's 3rd time lucky for you... after our bumpy start our 3rd try worked, we are getting very nearly to the end so i hope its the same for you!!
Best wishes
lisa x
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Saskia17 June 2012 at 22:28
what a fab number of embryos! just so happy that you've decided to continue on. I've everything crossed for you! :)
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Our Gemini Dragons22 June 2012 at 19:35
you are such a strong lady. we pray and hope the best for you. absolutely right about "donor embryos" as they are your future kids. sometimes it's not necessarily about the beginning or the end, but to experience the climb. know in your heart at the end things will all work out as they are meant to be, and you will be blessed with your bundle of joy. you will be in our thoughts!
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