THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO

Well..I'm here...in India...again...for the third time...same goal...same old eggs...everything is the same...yet different....Although it is nice to be back in India...I'm tired...This last trip has been a very emotional journey for me...I'm grieving the biological children I may never have....the one that almost was....and those that I wish had been....I'm missing my family, my home and longing for my future...this has been a most exhausting journey both physically and financially but most importantly emotionally....this will be my third egg retrieval in a year...the physical component...not such a big deal...but the emotional....well....

Don't get me wrong..I love India.....I think I just need a little less reality and a little more positivity.....where is Pollyanna when I need her?? My cup is always half-full but this week it's been half-empty...and I don't like that...I don't want to be that person...I want to be full of energy and hope and dreams...not bitterness, fear and anger....

Anyway....things are going to be different this time...one way or another...we will have a baby...I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep the faith.....because when we set our goals,  we achieve them......maybe not in the way we originally planned...but we do get there...although sometimes we may take the long, confusing, difficult path...the end result is what matters...

On a positive note, I have 2 more af than last time..my labwork looks good...I'm still taking tons of vitamins and supplements a day....I will get some more lab in 2 days and my next ultrasound in 3 days...

Another positive note, I met some very nice people tonight with lots of adorable babies! They give me hope and inspiration....due to their perserverance and not giving up...they are going home soon with their babies....and we will too...you just wait and see....

Looking forward to my day tomorrow...going to go with Bernadette tomorrow to see Hayden and "learn more about the town", lol....

Although stressful and expensive...this journey has also been rewarding and made me appreciate my family more....it also has introduced me to so many different people in many different walks of life and different cultures....it has made me realize....people are the same everywhere...we all have the same struggles, same fears....same issues....and to get through this, we all need to lean on each other.....whether 8000 miles away, several tax brackets apart or right down the street....infertility can affect anyone at anytime....and just because you might think somebody is so lucky or somebody has it all...don't bet on it...everybody has their demons...they just don't all choose to announce them...i think that's why keeping a blog is important....although Ive entertained the thought of making mine private...I just don't feel that is the right thing to do at this time...(of course, after a week of high dose hormones, I can't be responsible for what I say or do, lol)  Anyway, once I get over my jet lag I promise I will try to be a little more chipper...pray for us, and keep the faith....everythings going to be all right....

It's official...I'm on the pill, again...all you fellow bloggers know what this means...a trip to India is around the corner!!!  This cycle is going to be different as it is absolutely going to be my last self cycle...I didn't say our last attempt at surrogacy...I said last self cycle attempt...if only it will be successful; ....I promised myself 3 attempts with my eggs and I would stop when I'm 40....and 40 is right around the corner...I have loaded up on vitamins/supplements...my AMH even went up a tiny amount...my dhea levels are where they are supposed to be...so, we will see what God has in store for us.....I know he has a plan...I just hope it's the same plan we have, lol!!!  In case it's not, it is always good to have a plan b...although I feel like we've had every plan in the alphabet!  We should be on plan F or G by now...but, our time will come.....Patience is a virtue, right?

still here....

sorry I haven't posted in awhile...we have moved approx 3 hrs away and have been without internet waaaay toooo long...other than my husband switching jobs, my kids with a new school and me without a job, moving into a new house....things are about the same...actually, they are exactly the same...crazy as usual....don't know when we're going back to India....I prefer sooner than later...but, you know, all of the moons have to align..babysitters, finances, hormones...etc....now that things are starting to settle down a little, I am ready to go back...I'm ready to complete our family...i did want to give a shout out to lucylu and a big thank you for the award...I couldn't have done it without you girl!!! Miss you!! check out her blog...http://theroadlesstraveled-lucylu.blogspot.com/..there have been many blogs that are instrumental in our surrogacy journey...thank you all fellow surro bloggers...if not for you, I wouldn't have had the courage for this journey....take care....

No Heartbeat......

Our ten week scan didn't come on Friday as anticipated...On Saturday I received an email from Dr. S telling me that she needs to talk to me. Well, as everyone knows, anytime a woman tells you that you need to talk, it is never good news....the problem was that i was a few hours away from home and gene wasn't with me...so i drove back home to try to get in touch with dr s..by this time it was saturday night, usa time...to make a long story short, due to the clinic being closed on sunday and the time zone difference it was monday morning before we got the "call of doom"....in a nutshell...no heartbeat...confirmed by radiologist...surrogate is asymptomatic and will require a D & C.....and we are yet again, babyless....I've cried, cussed and eaten all of the ice cream in the house; yet I still don't feel any better...i guess, shopping is the next negative coping mechanism on the agenda...I know there are people that have had babies after one attempt; some after 7 attempts..others just give up....I don't know how long it will take us, but we will be two of those people that have babies. I'm just ready for our ship to come in....it's been a weary journey....I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just a mirage....I can still see the light...I just have to make it through the fog first....Don't worry, I will pick myself up and we will continue on our babyquest....I'm just having a pity party today...as Scarlett O'Hara said, "tomorrow is another day". Like I told my kids when they were bummed out about moving; when one door closes another door opens...BUT, between you and me, why does it have to slam so dang hard?

grow baby grow!!!

I was just going to update my last post a bit. I was out of town when we got the results and was having to post via my smartphone. I had to keep it brief due to poor service and my slowness!! Anyway, I just wanted to say that we are over the moon..I get excited...then I try to bring myself down and remain realistic that there are no guarantees and still a high miscarriage rate...we still have a long way to go and it could go either way...But, it is slowly sinking in...as for now at least....WE ARE PREGNANT!!! And, for the fist time while pregnant I'm not throwing up 6-10 times a day!!! Unfortunately I appear to have had some sympathetic weight gain....that I am trying to work on...it doesn't help that I'm an emotional eater...I have heard some women say that they gained 10 pounds with every fertility treatment...omg...I'm destined to be a fatty....I guess now the big decision is...do I go back in jan/feb for a sibling project or wait until baby pick up in July? God forbid anything happens to this pregnancy but if it does, I would like to be ahead of the game...besides, I am way over due for botox (lol; everyone know wrinkles and children go hand in hand!!) and I'm not going to do that again until we are through with egg retrievals.....My worry about waiting until july is that i will be, gulp, the big 40 in July....after age 38 your fertility takes a huge hit every 6 mths...and lets face it...I'm not a spring chicken and not a big egg producer...then I feel guilty for even considering doing it again when there are so many that have never had a positive or have had miscarriages....I tell myself I should be grateful for what God has given us so far and stop being selfish....but in reality, I really would like for this baby to have a younger sibling...I don't want him/her to be too spoiled!! And between us, grandparents and the two older siblings...he/she will have no choice but to be spoiled rotten!!! but, honestly, I went from an afc of 17 to a mere 4 in a little less than a year.... I do not have time (or follicles) to waste!! But, on a positive note I wanted to add all of the measurements and information obtained from our ultrasound at 8 weeks...that will give the other IP's something to compare to...all of the IP's blogs have been a godsend for me and a great resource to compare notes to...well here it goes...8 week scan showed well defined gestational sac containing single live embryo. Yolk sac is normal. Heartrate of 158. Decidual reaction is adequate. CRL measures 17mm which corresponds to 8 weeks 1 day. Dr. Shivani reported it as normal.I love normal!!! Woo hoo!!! Hope that info help!! Now we are on a 2 week ultrasound schedule...so, no news....is good news!!!! Rene'

8 week scan results

Whew!!!! Normal 8 week scan!!! No mention of bleed!!
Heartrate 150's.....whoo hoo!! Next scan two weeks! Thank you for your thoughts & prayers!!! Rene' & Gene

6 weeks scan

We have a hearbeat!!! Woo hoo!!! 142!!! Decidual reaction is adequate!!!! (I have never been so happy to be adequate in all my life!)  Yolk sac is normal...CRL 3mm....BUT...there is a 15 x 9 mm s/c bleed noted on ultrasound; so surro MD is on strict bedrest and we will get another scan in 2 weeks!!!  This is the longest freaking rollercoaster I have ever been on!!! I am cautiously optimistic, I am excited but guarded....please continue to keep us in your prayers....and our little surrogate, bless her heart....barely pregnant and already on bedrest!!! Another 2ww......Rene'