Surprise Scan

Sorry it's been awhile since I've blogged...things are going well...we are right on target at 14 weeks...still can't breathe yet but I'm starting to believe there might be light at the end of the tunnel....

9wk 6d

A little glimmer of hope...just received our ultrasound and there was a heartrate of 172 and measurements equal 9wk 6 days...everything APPEARS normal so far....will keep on keeping on....will get another ultrasound in a couple of weeks...fingers crossed....

Just keep on, keeping on....

Well...another big fat negative...just throw that into the pile with all of the rest....you got it...out of 5 embryos thawed...4 survived for transfer...but still...a negative...have you ever stopped and added up all of the embryos?? Geez...10 total from me...have used 9 from donor...what as the layperson non infertility person sees as 19 babies in reality equals one miscarriage...one ongoing singleton pregnancy that has yet to reach the 2nd trimester and several big fat negatives along the way...plus a whole lot of heartache and money..(not to mention 20 extra pounds!!) but, we just keep on keeping on...that's all we can do...I think about Bernadette...of everything she has went through...of everything she is going through...how does she do it? How does she stay strong?? How does she keep the faith? She like the rest of us do it because that's what we all have to do to reach our goal; we have no other choice unless it is to remain childless...no, we can't get drunk and knocked up in the back seat of a car like the majority of unwed teenage mothers in our state...but, you know, just in case, maybe we should give it a whirl, who knows? Miracles still happen, right?  Seriously, we do this because it's the hand we've been dealt and we will do whatever it takes to achieve our goal...no matter how expensive, no matter how much it drains us emotionally..no matter the toil it takes on our everyday lives and the rest of our family dynamics...we just keep on keeping on...as I was told early on in this surrogacy journey by another IP...you just have to keep your eyes on the prize...and that's what I continue to tell myself...I try not to stress over the ultrasounds anymore...or the updates...it is all beyond my control....me stressing does not help anything...the only problem is if Im not stressing I feel disconnected....at least when Im stressing it feels real.....and right now...I just can't get it to seem real...Im still to scared to breathe...I guess I can hold my breath until about 29 weeks along...can't be that hard, right?

8 week scan...a few days early....

Sorry about the lack of blogging...it's been an emotionally draining week or two....I made it through the due date of our last pregnancy, barely...I might add....that one ended at 10 weeks; we are now at 8 weeks with this one....so still walking on eggshells...our ultrasound showed a single live fetus with heartrate of 166. CRL measures 7 weeks 4 days...right on target.....also have another surprise for you...we have decided to go ahead and do a frozen transfer to one surrogate and that was scheduled for yesterday...so hopefully, we will hear some good news soon....the only concern I have is the trickiness of baby pickup for babies born approx 6 weeks apart...or what if the first one comes early or if they have complications......plus the possibility of having to home school two children while in India and take care of newborns and paperwork.....well..for now I shall try to limit my worrying to the pregnancy and making it to delivery and save other worries for the future....there shall be plenty of time to worry about that...

Update....

We finally received our "official" report....we have one surro mom not pregnant (beta hcg <2) and surro mom #2 pregnant with beta hcg of 177....sounds like a solid singleton to me...although I have heard reports of twins with that beta...we will see what the ultrasound shows....we are cautiously optimistic...but, still guarded....our 10 week miscarriage is constantly on my mind...I know I will not be able to breathe until we are out of the first trimester!!!

For some reason, I'm finding it difficult to blog this time...with each cycle it just seems to get harder and harder...it's not as easy to get excited over a positive anymore...the baby we miscarried would have been due on July13th...our anniversary...day after my 40th birthday.....that will be a rough week for me...I'm already dreading it....

But, we can't dwell on the past and what might have been...or should have been...we have to look forward to what will be...and try to have a little hope and a little faith that everything is going to be okay...

Ready for the ultrasound...wondering how many sacs there will be...one...or maybe two? If anybody has had twins with a beta around 177 would love to hear from you...wouldn't that be a surprise? Also, that would be something new for a change! A nice surprise!! 

Until the ultrasound then......

2ww....take 3....

After 3 tries you think it would get easier the more you do it...but, thats not so...you would think a negative wouldn't hurt as bad...but thats not true....you would think that you would just throw in the towel and remain baby free...but thats not true...at least not for us...that is not an option...instead of being nervous and hopeful this time...I'm somewhat sad and detached...of course, having the donor embryos helps...I still look for closure for my last self cycle...you would think it wouldn't hurt...I have two healthy children...tons of donor embryos...a good husband...so you would think I wouldn't let another negative get me down...you would think I would be happy for what I do have..and don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my family and my life...I just can't help but grieve the loss of my last chance for a biological child.....it's funny how your emotions and mind works...I always thought, hey if it doesn't work with my eggs we will go with a donor,....but I just didn't realize how hard that would be...I just continue to prepare myself for another negative...I can't help it and wish I didn't feel that way...but I want this blog to be as honest as possible...I'm  39...I'm low on eggs and youth....I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade...especially my husbands...it is his time to be excited and hopeful and look toward the future...he has waited a long time to have children... I'm ready to look toward the future too...first, I have to quit worrying about what people think and concentrate on our future and our happiness...I have to stop feeling like a quitter and a failure and realize that we have made the best decision that we could given the circumstances...I know once we are holding that sweet baby in our arms it won't matter whose little dinky piece of dna got it here.....the only thing that matters is that it will be our baby and that no one can ever take it away...we will be a family...

On a positive note...an update on our cycle...5 eggs with 4 fertilized from self cycle...24 eggs with 22 fertilized from donor cycle...wow...that's a lot of potential babies....mine were put in within 24 hours...the donor after 3 days...but, you know what they say...the proof is in the pudding, lol....or in the beta HCG....

I also think I need to quit calling them donor embryos...they are not donor embryos...they are our embryos...nobody elses...and they are our future...and I love them already....theres a little saying I stole from facebook...would like to share it with you guys...thought it was appropriate in this situation...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO STOP WORRYING AND DOUBTING...HAVE FAITH THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT, MAYBE NOT HOW YOU PLANNED, BUT JUST HOW THEY ARE MEANT TO BE.....

amen.....

Oh to be young, thin and fertile again.....

Day 5 of twice a day subcutaneous injections in my fat belly...and believe me, for that I am thankful...it could be worse..IM (intramuscular-ouch!) I guess that's the only good thing about the infertility fat I've put on...gives me a nice target for my injections!!  My scan went okay..still with 9 follicles..not much bigger though..looks like egg retrieval on saturday or sunday....hopefully saturday or I will have to change my ticket!!  Labs are okay...now it's just a game of wait and see...

Enjoyed going to see Dehli Newborn and visiting Hayden with Bernadette.  The staff was very friendly and the facility looked much better than I imagined. He is such a cutie! Fingers crossed he will be coming home soon!!  I have met many nice people joined by a common thread....infertility.....why couldn't we all just be in the millionaire's club?? If you have to have something in common, it should be independent wealth, you know?

I have taken to my bed for the last 2 days except for my trips to SCI. I have been sick..flulike, fever, diarrhea, severe nausea that I could have turned into vomiting if I hadn't been so stubborn...no belly pain though...luckily, Dr. S hooked me up with some meds and I feel much better now...apparently fever is something you don't want during stimulation..it can adversely affect your retrieval...so, Rahul took me to the chemist and got me fixed up with some tylenol/ibuprofen combo that has worked wonders!! Of course, in retrospect I wonder if the McSpicy chicken sandwich I ate from Mcdonalds had anything to do with my dilemma....

Can't wait for DH (dear husband) to get here Wednesday....I am so lonely...Rahul asked me if I was missing "sir" which was true but I was actually trying to keep from hurling onto the back seat of his new car!! Of course, poor thing, the air conditioner in his car went out...I thought I was going to spontaneously combust!!!  It was 44 degrees here...thats 111 degrees F I believe...Oh my....and to think we shouldn't wear shorts here!! Of course, I did bring some with me...I might throw on a pair when Im feeling better and head to the mall...I'm in the mood to turn some heads and get some stares, lol!!

Well, do you remember in a previous blog I mentioned that we were doing things differently this time?  We decided to go all out...we have thrown an egg donor into the mix....so, how many women on how many continents does it take to get us knocked up? I can't even keep up....at least now it gets interesting!!  It's like a jacked up episode of Sister Wives...geez....We ultimately want more than one child ( I know, how greedy does that sound when we haven't been able to conjure up one yet?)  So, our thoughts were, even if we got lucky and got a pregnancy this time with my eggs, we would definitely want a sibling close in age ...plus, if we had a negative we would have turned to donor eggs anyway...the donor we chose has an excellent egg donation  history...has always had tons of embryos left over to freeze..so, here we are...hopefully really close to getting a baby....and the truth is, there are no guarantees with this surrogacy gig...until you are on that plane headed home with your baby...anything goes...negative tests, positive tests, miscarriage, prematurity, birth defects.......there is alway something to worry about...and as a mother of two already I realize the worrying only intensifies as they get older....my children are 11 and 8 and I worry about them constantly, second guess every decision I make....the joys of parenting...I can't wait to add another little bundle of joy to obsess over!!

This last year has been difficult....many ups and downs....has stirred so many emotions that I never knew existed....although my first choice would have been to have a few drinks and forget the birth control once and end up with a baby that I carried and I delivered...but that is not the way to our destiny...but instead of concentrating on what I don't have, it's time to concentrate on what I do have and who I have become...had I not been faced with infertility I would have never had the courage to travel to India alone, give myself shots in the stomach and make friends from all over the US, Australia and other parts of the world...I have learned to be less judgemental and more accepting....yes, there are things that I have missed out on and that still hurts...but I have gained so much...and for that, I am thankful....every life experience we have adds to our character and I think because of it I am a better person....poorer...but better, lol....