She has a name...and a ventilator....

After much controversy and wishy washiness she finally has a name...Mary Jane....she has been named after both of our mothers...a good old fashioned American name....it's easy to spell...easy to say...and both grandmas I think are pleased...Of course, after she gets her name..she decides to pull a fast one...the Dr. said she just became too exhausted yesterday and they had to put her on the vent...reports her settings continue to decrease and she will hopefully be off in a day or two...otherwise doing well...good feedings and good stool...after the initial freak out moment of being back on the vent i forgot to ask him about her weight...i bought some preemies outfits hoping that when I get there they will let her wear them...it looks like she might well be outgrown the preemie outfits before she is discharged...we will just wait and see...so, if anyone is headed to Eden...please check on our daughter...as I am unable to take our other two children to India (need notarized statement from ex....tried, but he refused)...I will be here for a little longer...trying to figure out a plan....my husband works crazy hours and they can't be home alone while he is at work...so...we wait...and pray...I was planning on leaving in about 2 weeks but now with the whole vent placement thing...I don't know...I've got arrangements for our other 2 for about 2-3 weeks when I am gone but that is it...so, it is all in the timing...if I could just clone myself...and be independently wealthy...as you all know...the sooner you go to india the sooner the hotel/dining/transportation bills accrue...it's a double edged sword, you know? You just feel like you are being pulled in all directions; it seems like no matter what decision I make, I will let somebody down...cloning is the only solution I can come up with....but, I just tell myself....it wasn't easy getting pregnant and it's not going to be easy coming home...oh Mary Jane...you are going to be a little pistol....you now have a name...you now have some clothes...so, just go ahead and breathe for mama, ok? 

One Week Old

Well...she still doesn't have a name...but...she is one week old today!!!  She is still on cpap...I will feel better when she gets off of that...that could be 3 days, could be another week....but at least she is not sick!! The doctor continues to reassure us that she just needs to grow...they have stopped the iv fluids and the prophylactic antibiotics...she continues with her tube feedings.....now, all she needs is time...When are we going to Dehli??? That and what is her name are the two questions we are trying to answer...We want to go today...but, of course....that creates a financial issue and an issue with childcare for our other two children...with my husbands work schedule he is unable to keep the kids as he works 12 and 24 hour shifts about an hour away from home...two to three weeks in February we had worked out...2 or 3 months now...we had not....hopefully all of the moons will align soon and we can get on that big bird and fly!!! Of course, she still has no bed, clothes, car seat, etc....so, we will make good use of this time by getting her stuff bought and ready for her arrival to the US...We can't wait!!  Keep us in your prayers!!!  Thanks everyone for the support you have shown. It means the world to us!!!  Oh, on the name thing..we are getting it narrowed down a little...since she was born on "doomsday" according to the Mayans, we are considering a middle name of Maya....but, of course...that is not set in stone yet!! 

Thanks Ryan!!

Just wanted to give a shout out to Ryan for snapping some pics for us, donating some goods and checking on our little one!! You are the bomb, Ryan! Thank you sooo much!! I will try to upload some of the photos in a bit. She is doing better...on cpap off of the vent...tolerating feedings well...He gave us a great update and for that we are grateful..Again, the support from the surro community is overwhelming....it's like one big family...and I am so thankful...

 

Question(s) of the day

Ok fellow bloggers...you know I call on you all when I need to know something...so, here it goes...
1) What is the best DNA lab with the fastest turnaround time? Any good or bad experiences are appreciated...
2) What is the best (smallest) preemie diapers and how many should I take?
3) We are going to fly United/continental. .. we would like to get a cc that would allow us to use the united club room and earn frequent flyer miles...any ideas?
4) what is one thing you wished you would have brought but didn't?
5) Phil and Ted cocoons? Where do you get them?

Plus, any other pearls of wisdom on getting us out of India would be great!! Thanks!

Pics!!!!

Here she is...all 2.9 pounds!!! Look at that big diaper!!

 

 

 

We still don't have a name...but, we've only had 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments to think about a name....that's not that long, right???

 

 

 

 

OMG....We have a daughter!!!

We have a room that's not painted, no nursery furniture and not a single diaper...but...we have the most important thing of all...a DAUGHTER!! Born at 1:50 12/21/12....I can't believe it!! She weighs 3 pounds and is on the ventilator; otherwise doing well...just..premature...I say 30 weeks Dr. Anju says 29 weeks,...anyway..we are on cloud 9 yet terrified!! We can't wait to see her!! We are to anticipate a 6 week NICU stay..so we have a little time to get things together...but it is so hard not jumping on the first plane out of here!! Of course, we have to get all of the legal papers found and copied, make arrangements for our other children and dogs...let G's work know....I just can't believe it..I am so happy..yet so scared...they sent us pics...she looks so good! I know she's tiny but she looks big in the pics...I will try to share those later...right now just can't concentrate!! If anybody has had a baby born that early, especially in India, all helpful hints welcome! Also, would like to know how long your stay was in India and how your baby/babies are doing! Also, if there are any parents in Dehli picking up their baby would you mind checking on ours? Please? Or if there are any intended parents who plan on touring the facility anyway would you mind checking on ours? It is killing us not being there...I had hoped for another month but she had other plans!!! All prayers and advice appreciated!!

Crazy Question

Ok..crazy question....is there anyone out there in blogland that has breastfed (with implants) a baby born by surrogate?  I know...it will probably result in new implants, if it would even work...but I just can't help myself,...I breastfed my other two children and want to do the same with this one...I know...I'm late getting on board...I just really want to do this...the odds of it even working are slim to none, I know,...but...if anyone has any advice...I'm all ears...

third trimester

28 weeks.....just saying.....

24 WEEKS

Well....24 weeks...6 mths...a few hiccups along the way but we are hanging in there....still too scared to start the nursery...maybe at 29 weeks, hmm....I am so thankful to have made it this far but unfortunately realize there are many that have made it this far and still do not have a baby...I guess you could say I'm cautiously optimistic...I will just go with the premise that no news is good news....I guess I need to email the embassy and start getting DNA test information and Operation Exit India squared away...hopefully February will get here before we know it!!! It's just like I'm in denial at times....or think that if I say it out loud something will happen, you know? The practial side of me says that telling people about our pregnancy will no way affect the outcome...but, the superstitious side of me says, why take any chances? So, here I sit...not allowing myself to daydream or make plans, you know, just in case....I just hope that at some point in this pregnancy I can allow myself to enjoy it...and stop being afraid all of the time...maybe at 32 weeks, hmm......

20 weeks update

We are halfway there...can you believe it? We got our triple marker screenings and everything is within normal limits..woo hoo...our 3D scan was tooo cute...Baby C has some sweet sweet baby lips!! Can't wait to see him/her...of course...Baby C needs to wait until after the first of the year to make his/her appearance...Keep your fingers and toes crossed...we still haven't bought anything or started working on the nursery yet...don't want to jinx ourselves..but I am so ready to get this party started!!!! I assume our next scan will be in a month...so until then..no news is good news!! Wanted to say a big Congrats to Bec!!! He is just beautiful!!! Thanks for all of your support and prayers!! Please keep it coming!!

Surprise Scan

Sorry it's been awhile since I've blogged...things are going well...we are right on target at 14 weeks...still can't breathe yet but I'm starting to believe there might be light at the end of the tunnel....

9wk 6d

A little glimmer of hope...just received our ultrasound and there was a heartrate of 172 and measurements equal 9wk 6 days...everything APPEARS normal so far....will keep on keeping on....will get another ultrasound in a couple of weeks...fingers crossed....

Just keep on, keeping on....

Well...another big fat negative...just throw that into the pile with all of the rest....you got it...out of 5 embryos thawed...4 survived for transfer...but still...a negative...have you ever stopped and added up all of the embryos?? Geez...10 total from me...have used 9 from donor...what as the layperson non infertility person sees as 19 babies in reality equals one miscarriage...one ongoing singleton pregnancy that has yet to reach the 2nd trimester and several big fat negatives along the way...plus a whole lot of heartache and money..(not to mention 20 extra pounds!!) but, we just keep on keeping on...that's all we can do...I think about Bernadette...of everything she has went through...of everything she is going through...how does she do it? How does she stay strong?? How does she keep the faith? She like the rest of us do it because that's what we all have to do to reach our goal; we have no other choice unless it is to remain childless...no, we can't get drunk and knocked up in the back seat of a car like the majority of unwed teenage mothers in our state...but, you know, just in case, maybe we should give it a whirl, who knows? Miracles still happen, right?  Seriously, we do this because it's the hand we've been dealt and we will do whatever it takes to achieve our goal...no matter how expensive, no matter how much it drains us emotionally..no matter the toil it takes on our everyday lives and the rest of our family dynamics...we just keep on keeping on...as I was told early on in this surrogacy journey by another IP...you just have to keep your eyes on the prize...and that's what I continue to tell myself...I try not to stress over the ultrasounds anymore...or the updates...it is all beyond my control....me stressing does not help anything...the only problem is if Im not stressing I feel disconnected....at least when Im stressing it feels real.....and right now...I just can't get it to seem real...Im still to scared to breathe...I guess I can hold my breath until about 29 weeks along...can't be that hard, right?

8 week scan...a few days early....

Sorry about the lack of blogging...it's been an emotionally draining week or two....I made it through the due date of our last pregnancy, barely...I might add....that one ended at 10 weeks; we are now at 8 weeks with this one....so still walking on eggshells...our ultrasound showed a single live fetus with heartrate of 166. CRL measures 7 weeks 4 days...right on target.....also have another surprise for you...we have decided to go ahead and do a frozen transfer to one surrogate and that was scheduled for yesterday...so hopefully, we will hear some good news soon....the only concern I have is the trickiness of baby pickup for babies born approx 6 weeks apart...or what if the first one comes early or if they have complications......plus the possibility of having to home school two children while in India and take care of newborns and paperwork.....well..for now I shall try to limit my worrying to the pregnancy and making it to delivery and save other worries for the future....there shall be plenty of time to worry about that...

Update....

We finally received our "official" report....we have one surro mom not pregnant (beta hcg <2) and surro mom #2 pregnant with beta hcg of 177....sounds like a solid singleton to me...although I have heard reports of twins with that beta...we will see what the ultrasound shows....we are cautiously optimistic...but, still guarded....our 10 week miscarriage is constantly on my mind...I know I will not be able to breathe until we are out of the first trimester!!!

For some reason, I'm finding it difficult to blog this time...with each cycle it just seems to get harder and harder...it's not as easy to get excited over a positive anymore...the baby we miscarried would have been due on July13th...our anniversary...day after my 40th birthday.....that will be a rough week for me...I'm already dreading it....

But, we can't dwell on the past and what might have been...or should have been...we have to look forward to what will be...and try to have a little hope and a little faith that everything is going to be okay...

Ready for the ultrasound...wondering how many sacs there will be...one...or maybe two? If anybody has had twins with a beta around 177 would love to hear from you...wouldn't that be a surprise? Also, that would be something new for a change! A nice surprise!! 

Until the ultrasound then......

2ww....take 3....

After 3 tries you think it would get easier the more you do it...but, thats not so...you would think a negative wouldn't hurt as bad...but thats not true....you would think that you would just throw in the towel and remain baby free...but thats not true...at least not for us...that is not an option...instead of being nervous and hopeful this time...I'm somewhat sad and detached...of course, having the donor embryos helps...I still look for closure for my last self cycle...you would think it wouldn't hurt...I have two healthy children...tons of donor embryos...a good husband...so you would think I wouldn't let another negative get me down...you would think I would be happy for what I do have..and don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for my family and my life...I just can't help but grieve the loss of my last chance for a biological child.....it's funny how your emotions and mind works...I always thought, hey if it doesn't work with my eggs we will go with a donor,....but I just didn't realize how hard that would be...I just continue to prepare myself for another negative...I can't help it and wish I didn't feel that way...but I want this blog to be as honest as possible...I'm  39...I'm low on eggs and youth....I try to prepare for the worst and hope for the best...

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade...especially my husbands...it is his time to be excited and hopeful and look toward the future...he has waited a long time to have children... I'm ready to look toward the future too...first, I have to quit worrying about what people think and concentrate on our future and our happiness...I have to stop feeling like a quitter and a failure and realize that we have made the best decision that we could given the circumstances...I know once we are holding that sweet baby in our arms it won't matter whose little dinky piece of dna got it here.....the only thing that matters is that it will be our baby and that no one can ever take it away...we will be a family...

On a positive note...an update on our cycle...5 eggs with 4 fertilized from self cycle...24 eggs with 22 fertilized from donor cycle...wow...that's a lot of potential babies....mine were put in within 24 hours...the donor after 3 days...but, you know what they say...the proof is in the pudding, lol....or in the beta HCG....

I also think I need to quit calling them donor embryos...they are not donor embryos...they are our embryos...nobody elses...and they are our future...and I love them already....theres a little saying I stole from facebook...would like to share it with you guys...thought it was appropriate in this situation...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO STOP WORRYING AND DOUBTING...HAVE FAITH THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT, MAYBE NOT HOW YOU PLANNED, BUT JUST HOW THEY ARE MEANT TO BE.....

amen.....

Oh to be young, thin and fertile again.....

Day 5 of twice a day subcutaneous injections in my fat belly...and believe me, for that I am thankful...it could be worse..IM (intramuscular-ouch!) I guess that's the only good thing about the infertility fat I've put on...gives me a nice target for my injections!!  My scan went okay..still with 9 follicles..not much bigger though..looks like egg retrieval on saturday or sunday....hopefully saturday or I will have to change my ticket!!  Labs are okay...now it's just a game of wait and see...

Enjoyed going to see Dehli Newborn and visiting Hayden with Bernadette.  The staff was very friendly and the facility looked much better than I imagined. He is such a cutie! Fingers crossed he will be coming home soon!!  I have met many nice people joined by a common thread....infertility.....why couldn't we all just be in the millionaire's club?? If you have to have something in common, it should be independent wealth, you know?

I have taken to my bed for the last 2 days except for my trips to SCI. I have been sick..flulike, fever, diarrhea, severe nausea that I could have turned into vomiting if I hadn't been so stubborn...no belly pain though...luckily, Dr. S hooked me up with some meds and I feel much better now...apparently fever is something you don't want during stimulation..it can adversely affect your retrieval...so, Rahul took me to the chemist and got me fixed up with some tylenol/ibuprofen combo that has worked wonders!! Of course, in retrospect I wonder if the McSpicy chicken sandwich I ate from Mcdonalds had anything to do with my dilemma....

Can't wait for DH (dear husband) to get here Wednesday....I am so lonely...Rahul asked me if I was missing "sir" which was true but I was actually trying to keep from hurling onto the back seat of his new car!! Of course, poor thing, the air conditioner in his car went out...I thought I was going to spontaneously combust!!!  It was 44 degrees here...thats 111 degrees F I believe...Oh my....and to think we shouldn't wear shorts here!! Of course, I did bring some with me...I might throw on a pair when Im feeling better and head to the mall...I'm in the mood to turn some heads and get some stares, lol!!

Well, do you remember in a previous blog I mentioned that we were doing things differently this time?  We decided to go all out...we have thrown an egg donor into the mix....so, how many women on how many continents does it take to get us knocked up? I can't even keep up....at least now it gets interesting!!  It's like a jacked up episode of Sister Wives...geez....We ultimately want more than one child ( I know, how greedy does that sound when we haven't been able to conjure up one yet?)  So, our thoughts were, even if we got lucky and got a pregnancy this time with my eggs, we would definitely want a sibling close in age ...plus, if we had a negative we would have turned to donor eggs anyway...the donor we chose has an excellent egg donation  history...has always had tons of embryos left over to freeze..so, here we are...hopefully really close to getting a baby....and the truth is, there are no guarantees with this surrogacy gig...until you are on that plane headed home with your baby...anything goes...negative tests, positive tests, miscarriage, prematurity, birth defects.......there is alway something to worry about...and as a mother of two already I realize the worrying only intensifies as they get older....my children are 11 and 8 and I worry about them constantly, second guess every decision I make....the joys of parenting...I can't wait to add another little bundle of joy to obsess over!!

This last year has been difficult....many ups and downs....has stirred so many emotions that I never knew existed....although my first choice would have been to have a few drinks and forget the birth control once and end up with a baby that I carried and I delivered...but that is not the way to our destiny...but instead of concentrating on what I don't have, it's time to concentrate on what I do have and who I have become...had I not been faced with infertility I would have never had the courage to travel to India alone, give myself shots in the stomach and make friends from all over the US, Australia and other parts of the world...I have learned to be less judgemental and more accepting....yes, there are things that I have missed out on and that still hurts...but I have gained so much...and for that, I am thankful....every life experience we have adds to our character and I think because of it I am a better person....poorer...but better, lol....

THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO

Well..I'm here...in India...again...for the third time...same goal...same old eggs...everything is the same...yet different....Although it is nice to be back in India...I'm tired...This last trip has been a very emotional journey for me...I'm grieving the biological children I may never have....the one that almost was....and those that I wish had been....I'm missing my family, my home and longing for my future...this has been a most exhausting journey both physically and financially but most importantly emotionally....this will be my third egg retrieval in a year...the physical component...not such a big deal...but the emotional....well....

Don't get me wrong..I love India.....I think I just need a little less reality and a little more positivity.....where is Pollyanna when I need her?? My cup is always half-full but this week it's been half-empty...and I don't like that...I don't want to be that person...I want to be full of energy and hope and dreams...not bitterness, fear and anger....

Anyway....things are going to be different this time...one way or another...we will have a baby...I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep the faith.....because when we set our goals,  we achieve them......maybe not in the way we originally planned...but we do get there...although sometimes we may take the long, confusing, difficult path...the end result is what matters...

On a positive note, I have 2 more af than last time..my labwork looks good...I'm still taking tons of vitamins and supplements a day....I will get some more lab in 2 days and my next ultrasound in 3 days...

Another positive note, I met some very nice people tonight with lots of adorable babies! They give me hope and inspiration....due to their perserverance and not giving up...they are going home soon with their babies....and we will too...you just wait and see....

Looking forward to my day tomorrow...going to go with Bernadette tomorrow to see Hayden and "learn more about the town", lol....

Although stressful and expensive...this journey has also been rewarding and made me appreciate my family more....it also has introduced me to so many different people in many different walks of life and different cultures....it has made me realize....people are the same everywhere...we all have the same struggles, same fears....same issues....and to get through this, we all need to lean on each other.....whether 8000 miles away, several tax brackets apart or right down the street....infertility can affect anyone at anytime....and just because you might think somebody is so lucky or somebody has it all...don't bet on it...everybody has their demons...they just don't all choose to announce them...i think that's why keeping a blog is important....although Ive entertained the thought of making mine private...I just don't feel that is the right thing to do at this time...(of course, after a week of high dose hormones, I can't be responsible for what I say or do, lol)  Anyway, once I get over my jet lag I promise I will try to be a little more chipper...pray for us, and keep the faith....everythings going to be all right....

It's official...I'm on the pill, again...all you fellow bloggers know what this means...a trip to India is around the corner!!!  This cycle is going to be different as it is absolutely going to be my last self cycle...I didn't say our last attempt at surrogacy...I said last self cycle attempt...if only it will be successful; ....I promised myself 3 attempts with my eggs and I would stop when I'm 40....and 40 is right around the corner...I have loaded up on vitamins/supplements...my AMH even went up a tiny amount...my dhea levels are where they are supposed to be...so, we will see what God has in store for us.....I know he has a plan...I just hope it's the same plan we have, lol!!!  In case it's not, it is always good to have a plan b...although I feel like we've had every plan in the alphabet!  We should be on plan F or G by now...but, our time will come.....Patience is a virtue, right?

still here....

sorry I haven't posted in awhile...we have moved approx 3 hrs away and have been without internet waaaay toooo long...other than my husband switching jobs, my kids with a new school and me without a job, moving into a new house....things are about the same...actually, they are exactly the same...crazy as usual....don't know when we're going back to India....I prefer sooner than later...but, you know, all of the moons have to align..babysitters, finances, hormones...etc....now that things are starting to settle down a little, I am ready to go back...I'm ready to complete our family...i did want to give a shout out to lucylu and a big thank you for the award...I couldn't have done it without you girl!!! Miss you!! check out her blog...http://theroadlesstraveled-lucylu.blogspot.com/..there have been many blogs that are instrumental in our surrogacy journey...thank you all fellow surro bloggers...if not for you, I wouldn't have had the courage for this journey....take care....